I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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