The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
