I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
