tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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