As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
