god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
