I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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