Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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