Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
