i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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