you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
