I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
