Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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