I hate your face
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
