Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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