I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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