My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
