You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
