My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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