I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
