Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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