Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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