pop tarts are not kleenex
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
