2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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