On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
