I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
