my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
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