MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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