I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
