i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
