I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Sponge bath it is.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Randomize
