Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
