I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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