Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Randomize
