I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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