I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
