meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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