I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
