yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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