I was born with a shot glass in my hand
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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