Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
