Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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