Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
