I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
