wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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