goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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