I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The struggles of a small town man whore
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
