I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
