Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I party with great urgency now.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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