I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
