yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
