I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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